WHERE R U???

You ever felt like your life was slowly falling apart...?

Where is my support system when I need them? Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself. I have been trying not to post so much, sometimes I know it bothers others. Can't figure out where all my friends are when I'm going through such a rough time in my life. Losing a child day by day has been so devastating and heartbreaking. I am so disappointed, I thought during this sad time in my life I would have many friends holding the umbrella to protect me from the storm. I do want to say there have been a few friends to keep check with me and to those wonderful friends thanks so much for being there for me.

The funeral home visits, getting phone calls at all times from my daughter

who doesn’t want to die because she is scared. Listening to her talk about wanting to go get her hair cut before she dies. She told me to take her picture so I will have a photo of how she styles it for the viewing. She talked about what she wants to wear at her viewing. Yes, it's nice I get to know ahead of time what her wishes but it doesn’t stop me from crying and feeling overwhelmed with this journey. You feel like you have friends, but the ones you thought were your friends haven’t even ask how things are going. I expected some emails or phone calls from my friends to give me some strength and their friendship. Hang out and really be a friend.

Here is the thing about grief I have figured out. I think of

it as something that happens after  a death, but mine has arrived before my daughter dies.  As soon as I knew in July she had 6 months to live, I started the grieving process.

I feel sadness, anger, isolation, forgetfulness.  I am exhausted from all the things that need to be taken care. I am Mom!!! Jammie needs me and wants me to be near her. When she gets scared from not being able to breathe or her temperature spikes or her anxiety is so bad that I’m the only one that can calm her. I have to travel to get to nursing home and 270 is never not busy.   Mom’s are special people in a child's life, we can make everything better no matter the age of our child. I know death is close for her as she is losing her ability to walk and oxygen levels have increased, loss of control of her bladder and loss of appetite.  This grief is not just about accepting Jammie’s future death, but of the many losses already occurring as I watch her illness progress. Since I know her death is imminent I am in a state of hyper-alertness. I panic whenever the phone rings. I stay up and cannot sleep, I feel like a zombie most of the time. I go and sit with my daughter or take her to get things done that are important to her. Jammie keeps saying she is ready and doesn’t want to suffer or make this a long drawn out process, that’s why she has signed the DNR. I know God is watching over her and will take her when its time. I am suffering emotionally and physically watching my child die slowly. I honestly have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. I pray for anyone who has lost a child and the grief they have gone through.

Foggy Morning Blues :-(

Well, today I'm taking the trip to Gahanna Nursing Home by myself. As I listen to the news they are talking about Columbus having the heaviest fog and to be very careful with your driving.  Gotta go and see my  baby girl, she needs me.  I at Starbucks before getting to Jammie's.  I picked Jammie up her favorite drink, which is Carmel Macchiato with light ice & extra shot. Jammie was happy to see her favorite drink when I walked in.  I looked at her and that smile was gone and she just looked so sick.   She was resting  in her recliner and looked sleepy.  I had brought my camera along today and decided to go outside and take some pictures at the nursing home.n I just Needed some time to relax and being outside helps me feel refreshed.

 Took several pictures of the items around me with the raindrops still on them.  Wanted to capture some nature pictures of rain drops and hopefully how heavy the fog actually is.  I'm relaxing and thinking about being on a hunt for finding picture worthy shots.

Love the rays of sunshine bursting through the fog.

Foggy morning blues............

Raindrops hanging on to the pine needles.  It seems like tear drops are always hanging on to my eyes, ready to release at any moment. :-(

I enjoy the oak leaves that are still hanging on the tree.  It's like the beautiful feeling that fall is here.  In this case, this bare tree with a few leaves still hanging on are the signs of Ole Man Winter is coming.

Foggy, foggy, foggy

Check out the weeds with the raindrops still hanging on to life........just like my daughter is.

 As I am taking my last photo, I see jammie who's looking for me.  We walked back in together.  When we sat in her room; she started talking about things she wants to do today.  She wanted her hair cut and styled for her funeral.  What?  Really?  Yes Mom, I don't want you to have to worry about how to describe how I wear my hair.  You can take a picture and give it to the lady who does my hair when I die.  This is so hard for me to listen to this, and know how right she really is.

OMG, I'm so, so, so hurting inside.  Jammie got ready and I got on the net and made a reservation, so we would not have a bunch of waiting when we got to Great Clips.  I told the lady named Rianna, what Jammie was wanting and Jammie  also talked about her illness.  Rianna listened and I saw tears dropping from her eyes.  It got to the point where Rianna had to stop and wipe her eyes, so she could see what she was doing.  She gave Jammie some extra time shampooing her hair, which Jammie told her how much she liked that.

I prayed when the girl started cutting Jammie's hair I prayed for God to guide her hands while she is cutting Jammie's hair.  I wanted Jammie to be pleased with her results.  Well, Rianna started cutting Jammie's hair and kept great concentration on what she was doing.  She told Jammie she wanted her to be happy with her hair.  Well, Rianna, you did a wonderful job and I love Jammie's hair.   I also cried during the timing that Jammie was at Great Clips.  Just watching the care and kindness Rianna was giving to Jammie, touched my heart.  

Next stop Meijer, Jammie wants a ring that has her birthstone in it.  She had already looked at the ring and had decided she wanted it.

 She told me she wanted the ring I got her in Myrtle Beach to be cremated with her.  Also, she wanted the birthstone ring on.  Jammie got the ring for a great price.  She came out of the store smiling.  I'm still in shock of her wanting to do all these things in preparation of her death.

Tired and hungry, so we stopped and had lunch at Olive Garden with  allot of Veterans since today is Veteran's Day

First Hospice Call

On 11/6/15 we were called by Hospice to come now to the nursing home,  they think it is time.  I hung up and started screaming,  I called Maggie and Jennifer who are my sisters to come be with me.  On the way to hospital, I called my friend Dana and told her what was going on.  It's nice to have a good friend whom you can depend on for comfort.  My family showed up which made me feel better. Marlon and I arrived at nursing home around 8:15 am.   Jammie  kept telling me that she couldn't breath and she was scared.   All of us sat with her and tried our best to comfort her.  Around noon, my family left as Jammie was stabilized and feeling better.  

11/07/15~11/09/15  

Spent most of these dates just being with jammie.  

11/10/15

Drive to Urbana and pick up Mom.  Mom let me know she was unhappy that no one picked her up Friday concerning Jammie.  I told her to pack her bag and she could come home with me and spend a few days.  We could then ride together to go and see Jammie.  Well, that evening Jammie called and was scared.  She told me that she wanted us to come she was short of breath and was scared. She told me that Hospice promised that she would not feel pain and she does.  She wanted me to call hospital because no one was helping her.  I instead called hospice and told them the situation.   We headed to the car and called my brother Bobby and sister Maggie and they wanted to come. When we got to nursing home,  I went over to Jammie so we could talk.  Jammie told me she felt hot and when I touched her she felt very warm.  I went and got the nurse and told him that Jammie was hot and I wanted her temperature checked.  He came in and by that time my brother and sister were there.  Seth the nurse checked her temp and told us that her temp was 103.  

At that point, I was pretty upset because I should not have walked in and have to ask for them to check her temp.  She had told him several times to call Hospice because she was feeling bad.  He did not do as requested but just the opposite.  When Hospice called him he told them she was fine.  I had already called them twice telling Hospice that I wanted them out there to be with Jammie and to give her some comfort.  Jammie really needed something for fever and meds to keep her from being so scared.  My Mom and brother and sister prayed for Jammie. She is feeling better and is relaxing.  

It's 10:30 pm and we decide to go home.  The nurse said he would call if anything changed.  I am still upset that Hospice did not show up tonight.  Come to find out that the nurse was saying all was ok so they did not send anybody.  After our talk from now on if Jammie or myself calls someone will come immediately.