You ever felt like your life was slowly falling apart...?
Where is my support system when I need them? Guess I'm feeling sorry for
myself. I have been trying not to post so much, sometimes I know it bothers
others. Can't figure out where all my friends are when I'm going through such a
rough time in my life. Losing a child day by day has been so devastating and
heartbreaking. I am so disappointed, I thought during this sad time in my life
I would have many friends holding the umbrella to protect me from the storm. I do want to say there have been a few friends to keep check with me and to those wonderful friends thanks so much for being there for me.
The funeral home visits, getting phone calls at all times from my daughter
who doesn’t want to die because she is scared. Listening to her talk about
wanting to go get her hair cut before she dies. She told me to take her picture
so I will have a photo of how she styles it for the viewing. She talked
about what she wants to wear at her viewing. Yes, it's nice I get to know ahead
of time what her wishes but it doesn’t stop me from crying and feeling
overwhelmed with this journey. You feel like you have friends, but the ones you
thought were your friends haven’t even ask how things are going. I
expected some emails or phone calls from my friends to give me some strength
and their friendship. Hang out and really be a friend.
Here is the thing about grief I have figured out. I think of
it as something that happens after a death, but mine has arrived before my
daughter dies. As soon as I knew in July she had 6 months to live, I
started the grieving process.
I feel sadness, anger, isolation, forgetfulness. I am exhausted from all the things that need to be taken care. I am Mom!!! Jammie needs me and wants me to be near her. When she gets scared from not being able to breathe or her temperature spikes or her anxiety is so bad that I’m the only one that can calm her. I have to travel to get to nursing home and 270 is never not busy. Mom’s are special people in a child's life, we can make everything better no matter the age of our child. I know death is close for her as she is losing her ability to walk and oxygen levels have increased, loss of control of her bladder and loss of appetite. This grief is not just about accepting Jammie’s future death, but of the many losses already occurring as I watch her illness progress. Since I know her death is imminent I am in a state of hyper-alertness. I panic whenever the phone rings. I stay up and cannot sleep, I feel like a zombie most of the time. I go and sit with my daughter or take her to get things done that are important to her. Jammie keeps saying she is ready and doesn’t want to suffer or make this a long drawn out process, that’s why she has signed the DNR. I know God is watching over her and will take her when its time. I am suffering emotionally and physically watching my child die slowly. I honestly have never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. I pray for anyone who has lost a child and the grief they have gone through.
Dear Donna, I have not lost a child, but I went through this with my loving father and my beloved husband. I tried to do all that I could do to make things better for them. The hardest part is knowing that there is nothing you can do to save them, which was the worst for me to deal with as I was always able to before. Waiting for God to take them is the indescribable, but you know it is coming. I prayed for George's suffering to end, but when the hospice nurse said to me, "Anna, he is dying" I was devastated and wanted him back no matter what. The only thing that gives me peace 2 years later, is knowing he is no longer suffering. I still miss him so very much and you will always miss Jammie. It will not be easy but God will get you through it. Your friends have not forsaken you Donna, they are all praying for you to find the strength to get through this. They don't know what else to do or say to you. .Their Prayers help.. Family members and George's friends told me they couldn't bear to see him suffer, but offered to do anything I needed done. I know how you feel in my heart, but don't feel that you are alone. God is always with you. I will continue to keep you and Jammie in my prayers. All my Love....Anna
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